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Possible Failed Initial Consult
Hi guys!
I have a question for all the trainers on here. Have you ever felt that you failed to do your best to present what you bring to the table at an initial training consult? I have only been on my own with my business for a year and a half, but I’ve been very lucky in that most potential clients turned into clients due to their passion for compassionate training techniques and love for their dogs. However, I had an initial consult on Sunday for an energetic and adorable Boston Terrier puppy. The couple disagreed on technique: mom wanted force-free and Dad admitted to occasionally smacking the pup and yelling to get obedience (dad is unfortunately the victim of the recent resurgence of forceful techniques being presented all over social media). I gave my usual info, but felt very weird when I left the home and immediately started thinking I hadn’t seemed as organized or professional as usual or hadn’t presented well. That said, the owners never responded my follow-up email or text. For clarity, my follow-up email is always a recap of the consult, suggestions for environmental changes that can improve behavior in the home, enrichment and exercise ideas, and a proposed training plan. The follow up text simply confirms the email has been sent.
I’m feeling very out of sorts because A. I feel I must have failed to present my business well and B. I feel I have failed the dog by not presenting a strong enough case for R+
I do believe the couple wants to help their dog, which is why I feel I am to blame. Did I accidentally behave in a judgemental manner? Did I seem silly or uninformed? Was my hair a mess/was there something in my teeth (lol)?
How have you dealt with these types of feelings and questions in your own day to day business dealings? Here’s a cute pic of Boop resting on my feet for tax.
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18 Replies
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What a beautiful peaceful picture!! Oh Lisa, I definitely feel this at times. Do not feel you are alone!! I really don’t believe anything had to do with you- people do what they do because of them. I think cases where the parents are on different sides can be difficult in general. Mostly with so much misunderstanding and social media post out there. I know I have felt this and someone once told me – maybe it’s a client that would of been really difficult to work with and it’s a blessing it didn’t work. I am sure you did amazing work! Training is hard right now because people believe what they believe!! I am so glad you brought this up – for me it’s so comforting to know other trainers feel this way!!❤️
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Thank you, Krista!
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Oh man. I feel this for ya! It can be so hard, especially when you are used to everyone loving what you have to say and “buying in” all the time. We have all been there, when the vibe was off, or when it just felt awkward… and I agree with what Krista said – it may be for the best in any case.
I think the clue might be in that the couple disagreed on how to move forward…. it’s not you; it’s them! You may hear back if the wife can shift the narrative at all, but you may not, too. And it’s okay. Just keep doing the great work you are doing and showing up for those who are ready to hear a better way to train.
Snuggling your Boop is a great peaceful thing to do after stressful encounters like this. Take care of yourself – the industry needs you for the long haul!
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Xoxoxo
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@LisaOMy , my heart goes out to you and I’m so glad you posted this. I’ve been training for over 30 years and think I’m pretty darned good at what I do, but I do not always mesh with every single client I meet. Over the years, I’ve developed some more pre-screening strategies (see below) to reduce this number because I am ridiculously sensitive and self-critical if I don’t think I perform at 110%. And it doesn’t matter if 99 out of 100 clients are successes. That ONE non-success devastates me, and this is a seriously annoying personality issue of mine! Not everyone is so extreme and I envy their ability to let the not-great stuff roll off their backs after assessing the situation and determining if there’s anything to learn to ensure future success. That’s healthy processing!
Anyway, here are some of my strategies that I think are helpful and can also protect my wussy feelings:- My website clearly explains my training style
- My service agreement — which they must fill out and sign in advance of us ever meeting — outlines my style of training and that they agree to adhere to that
- I’m not judgmental if a client shares their use of punishment. I tell them how I totally understand their response in the moment, and then go on to share some possible fall-out that may occur, and then give them other options for handling things moving forward. (You may find it helpful to write a handout on this topic so you have a quick resource to share when you follow-up.)
- You could ask them if they’d be willing to give your alternative ideas a try for just one week and see how things go. (Hopefully that’ll lead to buy-in.)
- I remind myself when people don’t respond to emails and such that they may have crazy-busy lives that makes it hard for them to juggle everything
- And finally, even though clients select and pay for a nonrefundable package of lessons upfront, if I think it’s a real mismatch or that it will give me more grief than joy, I’ll offer to refund them (in a kind way) for the unused lessons. This rarely happens, but what relief when I do let the occasional client go who caused too much stress for me.
I hope something in the tome above is helpful. ????
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Thank you for sharing, Virginia! I too am very self-critical, so hearing from you all that I’m not alone is encouraging!
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I can relate to this and had a very bad experience like this as well that left me really shook up. I think it makes sense u left feeling weird given the tension that seems to be existing within that couple-that’s an awkward position to be in. You really can’t blame yourself, you can only do your best and no one needs to be perfect! I know you did great!
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Thank you, that’s so kind! We are in an interesting position as trainers. Training is our “job” but the weight of responsibility for the clients amd dogs we meet is real- definitely worlds more than “just a job”.
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@LisaOMy ! Oh my!
You are not alone. I love the flood of support everyone is jumping in to let you know that we’ve been there. It is unnerving when it doesn’t clock with the human component.
I love all the great advice and @virginiad , thanks for all the great bulleted pre-screening and ways to find out match with clients before meeting with them. I wish I’d had this up front when I started out.
Thank you for sharing, Lisa. I hope this doesn’t bother you too much. You are an awesome and positive trainer!
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❤️
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Yup, been there. It’s super hard when people don’t agree on training style. I come right out and say that I’m a R+ trainer, and it’s fine if they want to find a different trainer. No judgement attached. Usually, the man (sexist, but 99% of the time it’s the man who doesn’t like treats), looks a bit surprised, and then starts to follow my guidelines. Sometimes, I find I’m really teaching only one of the two people in the room. Then, as the dog improves, the second person starts to pay attention as well.
Imposter syndrome is huge in the dog training world. I’ve been training 10+ years and get it all the time. It’s not my dog training I question, it’s my ability to help someone else have the skills, consistency, dedication, patience and time to put into the training. That is soooo much harder than training the dog.
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I guess I just need to move forward and accept that: maybe it wasn’t my fault OR maybe I didn’t do my best presentation that time and I should use it as a learning situation
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I love the support everyone is giving you here, and the super tips on “finding your people” that @virginiad has shared.
In reply to your thoughts that maybe you could do better, @LisaOMy Let’s dig in a little bit.
There are always little things we can do better, to learn and grow, to increase earnest attention from the humans, to reduce cognitive dissonance and resistance along the way. And I’m so grateful for your vulnerability, being willing to share your story so that we can chat about all these things!
I remember feeling so bothered by consults like this, where things went differently than I had hoped, and want to share some of the things I’ve learned to do to try to bring it ’round during the session.
I’m thinking through consults where I’ve sensed discord from the humans, and agree with @Cyn -it’s often coming from the men, and maybe exacerbated by the fact I’m female… perhaps that carries with it a feeling of being “ganged up on” by the husband, especially if the wife made the appointment? I’m wondering if male R+ trainers have the same experience of the husband being the one who resists using R+?
@bmacwatt @walkswithalex @vincent @Vince – what do you think?
When I’ve been there, here are a few things I’ve done to try to get buy-in from the hubby.
1. I don’t skip an opportunity to tell him he’s right – about anything I can find. Praise the small things; it works wonders. It may start with – “I’m so glad you are joining us for this session – It’s great to have you both here together so I can learn how the dog responds to each of you.” Or, it might be when he says something he observes, and I don’t have to agree with his interpretation, but I can say something like, “You’ve got a sharp eye for detail – that’s really helpful as we work on your dog’s behavior.”
2. I reflect what he is saying back to him to let him know I hear what he’s saying – it takes the place of #1, when I can’t agree with him ethically. “I hear you saying that a firm correction gets the dog’s attention.” I try not to immediately disagree with him. Instead, I may direct a different question to the wife or direct them to a new skill, “Let me show you a cool thing you can try at the door to stop barking.” And work on other ways to bring him ’round. Arguing will just make him stick his heels in.
3. I enlist his support in ways he can show up – Sometimes this is affirming that what he’s doing won’t work for the wife or child (especially if it’s punishment) and I ask him to brainstorm with me about what he thinks might work for them, since he knows them best, and they clearly can’t do what he’s doing. Sometimes this guides him to think more in line with the suggestions I’m bringing. If those come up as his ideas, all the better. An example of this was one time when a husband was super frustrated that the wife wouldn’t “show the dog who is boss”. As we were walking back from our training spot at a park, I let the wife and dog go ahead and I hung back to walk alongside the hubby. (By the way, my physical position in this conversation was purposefully non-confrontational!) I asked him how the training was going, from his perspective. He shared his frustration at his wife’s inability to issue an effective correction. I agreed with him that she was not going to be able to do that, and then asked what he thought we should do about it. After he could come up with no new ideas, I asked him whether he thought he might be able to support her learning a different technique? “Do you think you can help her learn good timing with the marker? Here’s what that would look like…” And suddenly, we were on the same team, helping the wife.
4. I find the “Yes” between what they are both saying. I’ll say something like: “It sounds like you both want the dog to X – is that right?” and wait for them to answer. After I find something they agree on, I say, “Would you be open to hearing my best solutions for getting the dog to X?” It would take a very closed-minded person to say “No” to my face in front of the wife… but if he does, that lets me know the level of resistance. Usually he will agree to at least listen. If he says “No.” then I might ask him another question and allow him to opt out. “It sounds like you’re not a fan of my being here… but the session is already in progress. My fee is the same whether I stay the remaining 30 minutes or leave now. Would you mind if (the wife) and I continue working together for the scheduled time?” This allows him to have authority over the situation and his home, which he does anyway, and allows me to remain professional, not taking anything personally. It also gives him permission to walk away.
5. I use “Is there any reason why you couldn’t…” This phrase allows the resistant person to say NO, which he really wants to say, but it actually means yes. An example is, “Is there any reason why you couldn’t give this training game a week’s worth of effort?” And poof – suddenly we have verbal agreement. 🙂
These ideas are largely from Rise Van Fleet’s excellent book, The Human Half of Dog Training. I cannot recommend it enough. It is soo good! Here’s a free pdf. It’s also available at Amazon and Dogwise.
Let’s keep talking about what works for all these challenging consultations. It’s so valuable to help the people help their dogs. 🙂
academia.edu
The Human Half of Dog Training: Collaborating with Clients to Get Results
The Human Half of Dog Training: Collaborating with Clients to Get Results
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WOWZA! This post is jam-packed with such gems. Thank you @catherine . ????
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Wonderful ideas, thank you!
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Hi Lisa,
Just like everyone else has shared… you are not alone here! ????We’ve all been there, and struggled with the same questions. Just remember that whatever you’ve shared with them has resonated in some way, and has provided plenty of ‘food for thought’. I always share the position statements from the AVSAB as well. Just know that you’ve done what you could. At very least you’ve given them knowledge that they didn’t have before, and that is an awesome thing. There will always be someone that we can’t convince.
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Thank you!
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The issue you are dealing with happens in every profession. Just do the best you can. You are never going to please everyone. Dealing with people can be difficult. Don’t beat yourself up. The fact that you are in this group and trying to improve yourself as a trainer shows that you care. Keep up the good work
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