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She Won't Do As I Asked… Is It "Refusal" or Something Else?
I tossed the Jolly Ball again, intent on getting my weekly video clip, which I hope to put into “see how she grew” video in a year. Magic, my 4-month old, normally ball-obsessed pup, chased after it, briefly mouthed it, then turned and looked at me. “Oh, I see, you have your own ideas now…” a perspective of my past poking through, attributing her lack of retrieve to being a sassy teenager. Luckily for Magic, my methods these days involve a lot more agency… I wasn’t about to force the issue..
“Ok, not today, then.” I laughed and turned off my camera. Fetch clearly wasn’t on the agenda. No biggie… I only need a couple seconds of movement in each video… I can thread it together somehow.
Later that day, I worked on nail trims and as part of her overall body handling training, decided to take a peek into her mouth. Magic flinched slightly as I gently lifted her lip. The revelation hit me like a cold splash. Those tiny puppy daggers were gone, replaced by raw, angry gums. Three of her 4 puppy canine teeth were absent. She hadn’t “refused” to pick up the Jolly Ball… she was met with pain when she tried.
Relief washed over me. Thank goodness I didn’t get mad about the Jolly Ball! Magic wasn’t being stubborn, she was hurting. This wasn’t defiance, it was discomfort. I am so glad I gave up those old ways, many years ago. My relationship with my sweet puppy is intact since I didn’t push the issue, and I can just shower her with love, understanding, and some frozen Toppls to numb those sore gums.
Looking back at the video, I can see it clearly now… her puzzled expression almost asking for help. I didn’t notice that in the moment… and I’m reflecting on how my brain initially went to “defiance” or “sassiness” as a reason, and it’s humbling. I’m glad I’m committed to agency and play, valuing our relationship rather than robotic obedience from my dogs.
Today, I have compassion for our clients who haven’t spent years learning to see their dogs closely, and to give them choices. No wonder they struggle with their puppy’s behaviors…. culturally we are surrounded by methods centered in “attitude” and force.
Have you had a situation where you thought your dog was doing something for one reason, only to discover that something else was at play? Let’s talk about it.
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15 Replies
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Lots of space for new teefs! And look how angry those gums are. Poor lil nugget!
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Poor baby!!! Give her a understanding hug from all of us, @catherine
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And lots of frozen liver toppls!
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Magic is growing up before my eyes! So beautiful!!! I cant remember a time off the top of my head this happened to me, but I do know there are times when I want to train something with my Berner and he just isnt interested. Before I was a trainer i probably would of kept pushing for a session. Now I say okay no biggie not today! I am totally a different and better person now!! I love that you bring this up, the video and then the teeth pictures say it all. When people do have a certain problem I always ask about pain first now…How old is Magic now? Do you train different than you did with Bliss?
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@pawsup She’s 20 weeks old already!
She and Bliss have the benefit of me doing lots wrong with all my other dogs. I have fewer mistakes with these two. With every dog I’ve had, I’ve become more focused on relationship, meeting their needs and partnership when I need certain behaviors… These two are such sensitive girls, and being herding dogs, they are always watching my every move and anticipating my next breath… so honestly, they are super easy to work with. (Except Bliss when she spies something to chase! – A behavior I am choosing to manage rather than attempt to change as, honestly, I’d have to make her a working livestock dog to counter the impulse and I’m not getting livestock anytime soon.)
As I’ve admitted before, I’m a pretty lazy trainer when it comes down to it. The older I get, the lazier I am. I just want to play with them and have fun… without any particular goals, most of the time. I’ll do what I need to do to keep them safe, to help them feel comfortable when a vet team handles them, and to have a mostly great recall & stay, continue to play in Rally and maybe some nosework, but I just don’t care like I used to, about being a micromanager of their choices.
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I love everything in this statement!!
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it is totally humbling, isn’t it? You are AMAZING!!! Compassion and frozen Toppl’s will help most doggie “defiance” issues, I think. Especially when pain is the root! We cannot expect them to say, “Ouch! Not right now! I’m hurting (here).”
To answer your question, yes, I struggled with getting my former older Berner to hop out of my Jeep the last couple’s of years of his life. Even had to get him to the vet, because I heard from some source it might be a health/pain issue.
It was frustrating here, because I would take him and Tara (lab) to the dog park in my Jeep and they would get out, no problem. Then, when we got home, sometimes Tara would “ask” for help (she had a way of asking, washing her tail at me expressively and lowering her head, like, “I nap help, Mom”. She was only 76 pounds (only!) so I could scoop her gently and lift her down. I figured, since she was in her senior years then (12 years), it was painful to jump on her joints. But, Sam was only 7! WTH?!? I thought he was “being stubborn” or just didn’t want to get out. Maybe he missed me, since I was working and driving to all these daily walks and Petsits. He even air snapped at my daughter, when she tried to pull him out.
He growled at the vet assistant who helped me load him after a visit, where they saw a disc in his back that started bulging. I felt so horrible! I didn’t know any better. I was a pet professional, but not a trainer yet.
What we did: I would switch cars (I had a sedan, too) and leave one of my older teenage kids in change with him, hatch open on Jeep and water in a bowl for him. I would slip him some pain meds in a piece of cheese or liver sausage…then go to my walks. My kids knew to let him finally come out on his own. When he felt ready.
A few times, I even took him with me in the Jeep and left windows open and water for him while I did my dog visits. I’d stop at home between and give him a chance to come out.
I WISH: I wish I had trained him to walk out on a ramp when he was a puppy. The trainer we had at that time recommended it, but since he was cautious and we were impatient as owners, we never followed through.
I do have compassion for pet parents who think their dog is being stubborn. A health check by a vet is always a good idea.
I wish I had known then, what I know now!
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Oh, @bernerlabreclectus what a story!! I feel for you! We are, all of us, doing the best we can with what we know… I feel the regret and share it with you, from my days when I didn’t know better and didn’t really listen to what dogs were telling me. It’s a tough reflection.
But you DO know better and you HAVE changed, and the impact of sharing your understanding with clients (and here in DD) is far reaching. I always look forward to reading what you have to say; you have a wonderful ability to take your hard earned lessons and make them accessible to others, with compassion and professionalism.
You help make DD a safe place. Thank you for sharing your learning journey like you do!! You, my friend, are truly PAWsome!
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Years ago I participated in one of my mentor’s classes with my GSD. She absolutely refused to sit during the class. It was embarrassing to say the least. Half way through the class, my mentor told me to check her harness, and I took it off. She sat immediately. She’s a sensitive girl and the harness was too tight when she sat. Ever since then I’ve tried to see a refusal from the dog’s point of view.
BTW she’s now 11 and also having trouble getting in the car. She waits for me to get her ramp before entering.
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Ever since then I’ve tried to see a refusal from the dog’s point of view. – Cynthia D.
YESSSS!!! What a great lesson! And you are spot -on with how the handler/owner may feel – it’s so embarrassing when we expect our dogs to do something to make us look good then they … don’t.
Kudos to you for taking that lesson to heart. I’m sure it’s had a huge impact on how you train and teach.
It’s sweet that you are compassionately caring for your senior girl, too…. that’s one lucky dog. Thanks for sharing this story!
@Cyn
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Update – Our weekly jolly ball shoot did NOT go well yesterday… even though Magic’s teeth are now erupted and her gums are in decent shape, she’s not at all interested in that ouchie Jolly Ball!
For anyone still on the fence about how pain affects learning… yes, the lesson is learned, and yes, the fallout can be long lasting. That Jolly Ball is NOT TO BE TRUSTED!! ????
I didn’t push it at all, but I really would like her to enjoy the toy in the future like her big sis does, so I’ll be working on building her confidence back up with it this week.
She loves her fleece tugs, so my first step will be to tie one to the handle and see if we can play that way.
Wish me luck!
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Wow, such an important point. So glad you shared this @catherine and I’m looking forward to seeing her overcome her jolly ball aversion under your guidance.
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I like to delegate… so today I tied the fleece tug on and let Bliss tease Magic! Bliss just runs around carrying the Jolly Ball and dragging the fleece, which Magic instantly grabbed onto…
Effortless. ????
I’ll also play with her, but we’re off to a great start. ????
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Woo hooooo!
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And I took another look in her mouth… she’s still got some teefs breaking through, so I’m not at all worried this will be an issue… likely her lil mouth is just still sore. I haven’t had an Aussie yet who didn’t LOVE her Jolly Ball! lol
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