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Surrendering as a loving decision
Rough week here. Sorry, this is a short novel, instead of a post. I have been agonizing over a client, after a major discussion during our last lesson, last Friday, that took the entire (plus!) time.
The dog: a 1 year, 2 month old female mix (DNA test said she is Border Collie, ACD, Husky and Malamute); 45-50 pounds; playful, bored and frustrated and under-exercised/understimulated. Gets “walked”, when the weather is acceptable (here in Illinois, I’m still trying to figure out when exactly that is!) Doesn’t have access to outdoors, eliminates on pads i garage.
The owners: a 70-some year old couple, no kids. He is a retired military policeman and disabled veteran in a wheelchair. She is a homemaker, I believe, and mothers all their cats and coddles the dog, but cannot walk her or exercise her, due to chronic pain in her back and knees. (Yes, They also have 5 cats, which they had before adopting the pup.. )
The issues: Odee has begun nipping behind the woman’s underarms, stealing their things from tables (right under owners’ noses), chewing inappropriate things (although she has plenty good things to chew) and her mouthing and nipping and use of paws is too much during play. He is on blood-thinners and showed me deep scratches on his legs from her use of paws to demand attention. Oh, and severe zoomies, all over the house, every evening. They are worried with their hard floors that she is going to wind up hurting herself.
She was adopted by the couple, outside of a hardware store last October, as a small pup. Upon asking about the adoption process, I was told these people just gave the puppy to them! WHO ARE THESE SUPPOSED RESCUE/SHELTER PEOPLE?!? (I digress…)
They reached out to me at the end of May and in that initial call and subsequent meeting, I was asked to help the wife with teaching dog to walk on a leash (LLW). Also, they mentioned her Zoomies.
When we started lessons, once weekly, I noticed that the dog was extremely intelligent, bright and had a huge desire for attention. She positively LOVES being trained. Every time I tried teaching the wife and passing the dog off to her, the wife quickly lost interest in the task at hand, or claimed pain was extreme today, or…even excused herself to take a 20-minute bathroom break. She was totally fine watching me, but I believe, no matter how much I broke the task down, she didn’t want to learn or train.
Another issue: then I would find my way to the husband and he would rant to me about how much work the dog was for his wife, how he tries to help as much as possible to walk her with his power wheelchair, how he wishes his wife would understand that it is not enough to just “love the dog,” …agreed with what I said about her having a strong working/herding drive and very high energy needs…that means they should find another owner for their beloved dog…did I want her?! He was sure that if I did, the wife would agree to it. ????
Before I left for my European trip for 2-1/2 weeks, I emailed them easy LLW exercises to perform, in their home or garage (with and without holding the leash). I also left links and explanations of recommendations to get tethers for outside and inside, enrichment exercises/toys, puzzle feeders, a tether ball for outside, as well as Jolly Egg for outside or inside. I also recommended they hire a professional dog walker to help get those zoomies at bay, and to look into getting a temperament test from a quality doggie daycare…I provided 2 reputable places in their area. I believe she needs an opportunity to play with other dogs.
OK: recap: I’ve provided the above list of enrichment and exercise recommendations. I met with them for a total of 6 lessons, however, they usually either were watching, refused to work due to pain, or just wanted to talk/rant about the dog or argue amongst themselves about what the issues actually are.
Training the dog was never a problem. As I said, she is sweet, smart and focused during our lessons. For my own reasons, I cannot take her myself.
After last week’s lesson (that was anything but a lesson), I was again asked to discuss options for the dog’s behaviors. Mind you, that aforementioned list I painstaking emailed to them on June 11 was ignored and when I met with them the first week of July (upon returning from my trip) they had reasons why they couldn’t do any of those things on my list. Mainly, the week of July 17, a woman from the Village (I think someone to work on water meter?) came in, went downstairs to check things…and the dog, although friendly towards the woman, followed her and nipped under her arm. The woman yelled, “ouch!”, but played it off and told the owners it was no big deal. Upon hearing this, I was appalled that they had let Odee follow the woman (I recommended when guests are over to have her in kennel with a Kong) and again, said this IS a big deal, which is what the husband kept trying to tell his wife. She said to me, “well, it didn’t break the skin, and the woman loves dogs, so she didn’t really mind…”
My own thoughts: THEY ARE WAYYY over their heads! Something bad is going to happen, because they aren’t physically able to keep up with their adolescent dog. They refuse to teach her anything we’ve discussed or that I’ve taught (LLW, Leave-It, Sits and Downs, Come…Again, only four of the 6 lessons was I able to actually train the dog, the other 2 were all talk). I carefully went through my recommendations AGAIN. I stressed to them that their dog is A DOG! She is not a cat. She needs to go outside often and sniff and pee (they usually send her out to the garage to go on a pad, no joke). They are in a house with riverfront property! She is not content to sit in their bay window and nap all day long or just cuddle on the couch, because of her DNA! It is not her fault that she gets those zoomies every night, if she can’t go outside all day. They promised they would get a tether for outside and sit out there with her in the yard. They promised to try my other suggestions.
I agonized all week long over this, between lessons. Am I doing enough, as a trainer? Am I taking into account that he’s in a wheelchair and she’s in chronic pain? They are in their mid-70’s! I kept getting mad at whoever let them adopt her last October, when she was tiny and breeds were unknown. I even woke up in the middle of the night once, dreaming that the dog had actually bitten someone.
What am I going to do? Can I say, if they are not following my recommendations, that I’m no longer going to work with them??? Can I just write this in an email? Oh, how will they cope with the dog if I do?! Maybe I should try telling them I don’t want us to keep spinning our wheels, but I’m tired of us having the same lesson, no real progress, them paying me for advice they refuse to take any initiative on?
I discussed it with my boyfriend, who agreed with my last question. But he said, don’t put it in writing, go talk with them and lay out the options.
So: I did so, yesterday. Dog was waiting and wagging in the window. ???? The wife answered the door, I greeted her. I walked in and the dog threw herself at me in a polite Sit. I greeted the husband. Somehow, I trained the dog on Sits, Downs, Stays and Leave-It, while listening intently to the wisdom that the husband started imparting…before I had said much, other than, “Look, we need to talk…” he interjected with, “Yes, we really do. We have appreciated everything you’ve done for us and for Odee. We feel that she needs a better home than what we can give her. I found a wonderful rescue…(he went on to tell me the name, which I had heard good things about and said so. He described their surrendering process)… My wife is a mess just thinking about rehoming her, though.”
I was relieved and yes, a bit sad to hear this sweet dog would be losing her home. But instead, I just looked at the wife, sitting on the couch watching me train Odee, with compassion. It would indeed be hard to give her up. I asked, “What bothers you about thinking about rehoming Odee?”
“I don’t want anyone to abuse her!” she almost cried, “She’s my baby! I don’t ever want her sitting in a cage or being beaten by someone.” She referred to a commercial that had just been on the TV about shelter dogs.
I told her, “Rescues are good places where the needs of the dog are put above some random person wanting to own her. She will be in a foster home with people who love her, until the rescue helps her find the RIGHT owners. Afterwards, they usually do home visits to make sure she’s being cared for properly and that things going well. She will probably even get training, and the new owners will be required to get her properly trained, and show proof”.
“I don’t want her to forget me,” she then said. I told her how loving a decision it is and that Odee would always remember her time with her and her husband and cats!
With that, her face lightened a bit. She started playing around with the dog, as I was training, (argh!) and I pointed out that I know she loves her, but that it was distracting Odee. Odee suddenly got up and tried to get the woman’s slippers off of her feet, as she’s been encouraged to do so in the past. I had to point out that was not a great game to play and encouraged her to wait to play with her until after I left.
We did agree on this: husband and wife will call the rescue and ask questions about the process. I know he is much more willing to get her to a loving home than she is. I told them to please keep me posted. We will not have any further lessons until they make some of the recommendations I’ve made happen, whether they keep her, or surrender her.
One other thing, I am impressed with, and I told him so: he mentioned that a few times, he has been tempted to use a shock-collar to try to “get through” to the dog, but he said, “I’ve always looked at her and thought, NO. That’s cruel. She deserves better than that.”
I told him that I was proud of them both deciding on positive reinforcement training for her. I know there are a lot of options out there, for training.
He just said, “Well, I love her, and I don’t want her to be afraid.”
That’s an ex-military policeman saying that. And it gives me hope for many more people to do things right for their dogs. Because, we love them and want what’s best FOR THE DOG.❤️
I just wanted to share this with y’all, because it doesn’t have much to do with the actual training. It about coaching people, counseling them and just plain listening, with compassion. We can only do so much as trainers and then it’s in their court. It’s a very hard pill to swallow sometimes, I want to help them all.
All my best to Odee! I hope she gets the best life!
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12 Replies
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@bernerlabreclectus Paula, what amazing work you did with this client to give so many options. Reading your post, I was touched how much you tried to give different paths for the owners to choose and also be understanding of their needs and how this is such a tough subject to talk about. I think you handled yourself very well and professional, when its so hard not to get emotionally involved. I do think this is a common hard subject. I see a lot of older people getting puppies that are just too much for what they can give at the tender age of 70 and above. My mom included is going through this same thing. Being in her 70’s with heart problems- they decided to get a German Shepherd puppy. I advised this would not be a good option and listed all the reasons why. Fast forward the dog now hitting adolescence is reactive ( got him at 13weeks- and never socialized ) almost 100 pounds and her husband is getting open heart surgery. So I fell like I will be having a discussion soon again like you just did. I see this in the daycares too, older couples get puppies and don’t understand why it can not attend 5 days a week (due to them not being able to meet their needs) I know when I hit those miles stones i will be happy with something I can most likely meet their needs, like maybe a King Charles Cavalier, more lap dog then my Berners and goldens which have endless energy at this time:) Great post- you did everything right, but I understand how your heart strings get involved!!
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Thank you, Krista, it’s been tough, because I know they love her, but with all their physical restrictions and age, I just couldn’t believe this “rescue” just gave them the pup last year. Totally ridiculous!
I feel you, on the conversation with your Mom coming…it’s especially difficult when it’s family. Please know you are right in calling attention to her not being able to handle the GSD! It can only get worse, sometimes, not better, with inconsistency of training and not seeing issues in the first place. Not to say this of all older people, I’m already 50 and I can’t imagine having a high energy dog at home, given that I’m hardly ever there with my crazy schedule! I would LOVE a dog, I miss mine all the time, but it’s just not realistic for me at this time.
Hoping your mom will listen, when the time comes!
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Hi Paula, @bernerlabreclectus Wow! What an experience. It really feels like this was the best decision for this pup. You were the catalyst to gently help them see what they really needed to see. People often believe that a ‘trainer’ is going to come into the home, waive a magic wand and the dog will suddenly be trained and well behaved. I’m sure they will find this lovely pup a happy well-suited home. xx
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Thank you, Sandy!
Yes, you’re so right. People think we’re magicians sometimes!
I mentioned that training is only part of what Odee needs; that she is getting those zoomies because she has no place to expend that energy. Like a champagne bottle that is shaken!
I hope they are able to follow through. I told them I would check in and see how they’re doing in a few weeks. They said they will keep me posted, so here’s hoping!
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It about coaching people, counseling them and just plain listening, with compassion. We can only do so much as trainers and then it’s in their court. – Paula M.
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@bernerlabreclectus , my goodness, you put your whole heart into helping Odee and their owners, but it sure was a mismatch between dog and people. I’m thrilled to hear they’ll be working with a rescue to find Odee a more suitable home. Major kudos to you for your compassion. ????
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Thank you for what you said, @virginiad . The dog deserves better than they can give her.????
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@bernerlabreclectus I finally have a longer moment to write a reply…
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!!! What you are doing/have done for this family is AMAZING!
They are so lucky to have had you put so much effort and heart into their situation.
The hard truth is that there often are mismatches that happen… and the title you gave your post, calling rehoming a LOVING OPTION says it all.
Note to shelter and rescue workers… please have compassionate support when a person brings their pet to your facility or program… likely they love the dog very much and have struggled to get that far. Every dog deserves to have the kind of home where their needs are met (at least!) and in cases like this, there’s really no better option than getting that dog into another family. Trust the process!
While we are at it, can we stop calling them “forever homes”?
Let’s remove the “failure” stigma about moving a dog to a better situation.
If you have ever been through the agonizing decision to rehome your beloved dog, please chime in here… I know that we have several who have gone through it, including myself.
It’s heartbreaking, but often results in the dog being in their best possible situation.
*gets down from soapbox*
Thank you for sharing this case with us, Paula. Here’s to hoping great things are around the corner for this pup and this family.
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Thank you, @catherine ! It means a lot to me. I know you said that you had experience with this, too, so I believe in what you said about people should stop talking about forever homes and realize when the dog’s needs are not being met. It is an agonizing decision, but I think most people are ashamed that “they failed” the dog. It is not always the case. Thank you for getting on your soapbox! I was listening!
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Wow, what an emotional read. Excellent (albeit difficult) work.
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Thanks, @Shari ! That means a lot!
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